i always think of what i want to say while doing my skincare. or other mindless stuff. i wish i could record my thoughts. not cuz i think they’re so brilliant or something but bc its all in there laid out and then in a moment completely gone. it’s weird. the duality of oneself. the machine that is the brain and then the conscious being within us: the very voice reading this in my head right now. i feel like they can be 2 very separate beings sometimes. like in this case. but it’s all seen as one.
i’m getting my period so i may sound quite melodramatic today. i got the pre pre pre warning of a mini brown puddle. wow, i checked my app like a week ago and it said 5 days til. and today it says 4 days away. time’s been moving very slowly i guess. or would that make it fast? i’m not sure but either way im tired. i’m in a constant cycle of feeling ok and then reverting, falling back into everything. maybe wellbutrin isn’t for me anymore. or maybe its just my period coming. maybe i shouldn’t go down that rabbit hole of sadness.
my skin is a wreck. i’m not someone who ever really had acne. ive been trying to fix my skin, but somehow its just getting worse. ive noticed for 2 years now, on and off my face will smell like rotten eggs when i wake up in the morning. i know. i sound like some gross freak on the internet who never showers, but i promise im not. apparently it’s from my sebhorreic dermatitis. but like rotten eggs??? really???? ive been using nizoral for my face, body and shampoo. the last time i used it was in 2018…oops. wednesday will be a week of this. theres like 2 products out there that wont trigger seb derm. ignorance is bliss honestly. hopefully all this crap is just hormonal acne cuz jeez!!!! the right side of my face can’t catch a break! (the left is completely fine??)
i hate it when my mom has a tiff with her bf. she’ll be sad/angry all night after and won’t talk to me. i wish my dog was with me right now. i wish we lived in a better place. i wish i could go one day without doing something wrong.
i accidentially shaved off half my left eyebrow. like angus thongs and perfect snogging. i loved that movie in 6th grade. lol i rewatched it summer 2023 and was kinda dissappointed. that seems to happen when i revisit things i loved as a child. but i guess thats a good thing. im not 12 anymore so it would be sad if i had the same exact likes and opinions lol. but there are some people out there like that. i figure those people may be in their earlier lives, if reincarnation and all that exists. i think im in my last (or second to last but i think that’s a stretch).
since my frontal lobe fully developed back in december, something like clicked in my head. i can’t really explain it, but i guess maturity and knowledge met in a new place. i see things clearer yet i see it all the same. i just dont feel the need to express everything. i can understand without needing approval or camaraderie. hm idk. not to be a douche but iykyk.
my mom said to remind her on sunday about signing up for art classes. i never did. i feel too guilty right now cuz it’s really expensive and money’s not great rn. i dont even have the amount in my bank account rn otherwise i wouldn’t want to rely on my mom as a deadbeat in my mid to late 20s. ugh. that feels like such a reveal. it makes me want to cry. i’ll never feel my age. earlier when i was washing my face i got a little freaked out because the person in the mirror didn’t look like a kid. i had hat hair, 1.5 brows, hormonal acne, all the makings of years prior, but something was off. but then a little later it went away. maybe it’s like how when u stare at yourself for too long you start to look deformed. but i’m starting to not recognize myself. more often than not. or at least not so much when im not all dressed.
acknowledging my age just triggers so many thoughts and expectations and pains of what hasn’t happened. in my sociology class they said 35 is the new 25 bc my generations at such a disadvantage economically, and socially. but there’s still people my age or younger having kids. thats all so scary to me. i’m no where near ready for that. i dont even want kids. i do in theory one day but i’m still too messed up for all of that. i can barely take care of myself everyday. i need to walk my dog more. and i’m trying my hardest. a kid deserves everything to be set up just right for them. i havent even had a serious relationship. or like a relationship. ive never been like hey guys this is my boyfriend. he hasn’t existed. i’ve liked guys and ive been involved and it just never works out, but also they’re never really who i want anyway. i haven’t like actually liked a guy in 7-8 years. and even then, oh boy that was not an ideal thing. most recently i got ghosted. we got coffee and he talked the entire fucking time and then ghosted me. like. ur kidding right. he was disappointing anyway. not much substance.
i dont mean to sound like a total asshole but my looks aren’t the problem. they aren’t a problem at all. if anything that’s one of the only things going for me. but also i guess i’m not that interested in these guys either. the connection’s just not there. i see so much facade and performance and bullshit. it’s taken a long time but i’ve come to terms with the fact that i’ll probably be alone. and like yeah that does hurt typing that. but what, i should fake it all so i’m not alone? being alone has never been an issue for me. it would just be nice is all. a want, not at all a need, to have a pretty guy around. oh well. i see others who cant be alone. but a majority of life is just you with u. and there’s a multitude of this you. its not just you singular. (wow deja vu?). the intuitiveness this brings is long thrown away by them. i wonder why they make this choice; to not be a person within yourself. i mean i hate myself but it’s just the me that everyone sees. i know what i hold inside.
a space for me 
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