i’m gonna do it one of these days. i am not going to see next year. how many times can someone break and have nervous breakdowns until that threshold collapses. i thought the breakdowns were the lowest. like that was the worst one could feel. and they keep happening. its almost normal now. hyperventilating, sobbing on the floor, moaning, drool and snot running, fully shaking, vision blurred, all alone. she doesnt care. if she did i wouldnt have to live like this.
i just want my dog to have a good home. it breaks me more than anything. ive been trying to stay just for her. she loves me. shes the only one out there that cares about me. and i dont even get to live with her rn. i just want my dog, to hold her and have her lick my tears. she deserves so much better than ive ever been able to provide. i couldn’t be enough.
i hope before i lose it beyond losing it that maybe ill go out like debbie reynolds. dying from a broken heart. those in the media dont know its beyond the heart. (its a good thing they don’t know) every day theres incidents that bring me more and more to tears. 4x today at least. i lost count. one of these days it will end me. i have felt close to death before. hell, i have even cheated death multiple times somehow, not really with my doing but something beyond, the body taking over. but i know in my soul that this is it. this is the final year. and its so selfish but if theres an afterlife i just want my dog with me. thats all i ask.
to say i wouldn’t wish my life on someone else isn’t enough. each time i have a breakdown i dissociate again to when things were bad with both of them. not real/blacking out, and then the shock that this is real life, then that this is my reality and it has never and will never change. and i know so many people have it worse. i’m not chained up in a basement. (i have gratitude. i know there still are things i have that are not guaranteed. i was born with talents, intelligence, sense, all my limbs, the fact that i haven’t gotten sick [besides with covid]since fall 2023 after being chronically ill for years, and many more.)but i fear and have had this fear for a while that i will develop DID from my lifelong dpdr and lifelong circumstances that leave me retraumatized over and over and over again. and i hate how i sound saying all of that. its such overused language on the internet by people who wish they had such. to wish this? i cant even speak on that. (rereading this, imo it doesnt sound how i fear, thankfully)
i slammed my head into a wall. by choice. what a lump i have now. being told that my incorrect reaction doesn’t warrant any pathos during today’s nervous breakdown took me over the edge while i thought i already was. i just want to keep slamming my head until. i was thinking the other day that i hope this is just a simulation. idk how that would make anything better though. a lot of times i also think that anything good in the world is dependent on my pain, but thats narcissistic and there is so much terror out there. this is no world of even a middle ground between positive and negative. this is the universe where everything “went wrong”. i hope there’s parallel universes where this is not the case and we are just in one of the variations. i have 2 strange memories or something from since the time i was sentient that are ingrained in my brain like they came from when i was being born. 1. i vowed to take on immense suffering, 2. no one will ever love me and no one will ever know why; they all assumed someone else would. idk if that was a trauma response from the womb or if i sound out of my damn mind.
i’m scared im concussed but its hard to say bc im starving, still shaking, quite anxious, etc. i saw no stars but im nauseous and a bit dizzy but again there’s a lot going on here.
i feel like a fool in so many ways. to believe things could improve. to believe things would ever be different. to even write all this. i was going to say that i wished there was just 1 someone who cared about me. and i realize i do have that. my dog. if i only know one thing, i know she loves me. i’ve been told that she would love anyone who feeds her, maybe thats true but at least i do it. i would do it either way. and that’s more than i can say for the person who said that.
a space for me 
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