Category: Uncategorized

i just want to be left alone. i am begging. god please just give me peace. please just let me live. i wont ask for friends or family or anyone if i can just be left alone. please. i can live a solitary life. please just leave me alone.

everytime i speak i’m told “BACK OFF” or “BE QUIET”. i dont know what i am supposed to do. i never know what im supposed to do. every choice is wrong and ends in catastrophe. just even saying “here’s the white scissors” got me in so much shit today. what am i supposed to do. every word that comes out of my mouth is an offense. even when i don’t speak i’ve done enough. i put my arm on my leg and it made a tiny sound. worst mistake of my life.

“i’m not putting up with your shit.” i am told every single day. i am walking on eggshells yet somehow i come across as intentionally trying to ruin everyone’s life. i have a breakdown every day. i cry at least 3x. i cant do anything right. i’ll get to the point where the screams get to me and ill break. every single day. i’ll yell back. and thats the mistake i make every time. i snap and it turns into me needing to be held against my will in a psych unit.

now my medication is the source of “all my issues”. any time i react to being screamed at or do anything wrong it turns into me needing a different medication bc this one is just making me worse. i took it really late one day bc i slept for a really long time, then i took it at the normal time the next day and i had a bad reaction. it hadn’t been long enough between doses. it took another day to be back to normal and ever since its become the target. i will be doing something for her and then get accused of being so catastrophically mean and rude. “you need different medication”

she keeps calling someone and lying about me on the phone. i listened in tonight and got even more upset because it is all literal blatant lies. she kicked me in the ribs tonight. but somehow my perception is all wrong, and at the same time it was in self defense. so did it happen or not? it can’t be both ways. im being provoked to freak out by being ignored. i just want to be acknowledged and never will be. the more i get ignored the more upset i get and ive become rageful. i dont like who im turning into. my hurt is turning hard. every time my actions and words are gone over with a fine tooth comb i have to use so much self control to not do something horrible.

she’s on the phone right now talking about how hard it is to live with me. how awful i am to be around. and then taking what i’ve said about how hurt i am and how i have no one who cares and using it has her words. the person she’s talking to is someone she hates. and someone who neglected me as a child. someone who doesn’t give 2 shits about anyone but themself. but now they’re such a faithful source. i cant help but remember how i would overhear what my mom would say about me on the phone to other people when i was in 3rd grade. i would sit on the stars and just listen. what could i possibly be doing in 3rd grade that warrents complaining to everyone in your life about how awful i am? what is it? what am i constantly doing wrong but cannot understand? why cant i be told when i ask? i beg to be told what is wrong but the answer is obvious to everyone on the planet but myself. its some sick prank on me. i dont get to know. i don’t get to know what is so fundamentally wrong with me that no one cares.

i just want peace. please give me peace. i want to be able to wake up and not be told i already did something wrong. i want to go one day without being screamed at.

she’s speaking so loud now about how i make it so hard to live in this house. she knows i can hear. and talking about all these diseases she has now because of me. all undiagnosed. “congestive heart failure” “failing immune system” are the current ones. she claimed to have 2 kinds of cancer years ago. and now about how all my opinions and feelings come from what people say on the internet. my not wanting to be ignored is because of what people are saying on the internet. it could never be my genuine feelings. its all bc someone on tiktok said its abuse. story of my life. any adult who has ever been in my life has stripped my actions or feelings from me and claim its from someone else forcing me or brain washing me. why can’t it just be from me?

she’s talking to much louder now and has so much more hatred for me as it goes on. i lose myself writing this, dissociate and it feels like a separate thing from my life but then that pulls me right back in. its all real. this is all real. and i will never escape. its such a joke to think i ever could. every attempt has made things worse. WHY DOES SHE HATE ME? WHY? WHY? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??????? I CAN NEVER GET IT RIGHT. PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. STOP LYING ABOUT ME. STOP ACCUSING ME OF BEING MEAN. I WAS TRYING TO MAKE U A DMV APPOINTMENT BC U WONT MAKE ONE AND EACH ONE I MAKE YOU YOU DONT GO TO. HOW WAS I BEING A TERRIBLE HUMAN????????????????? HOW????? WHY AM I SO DUMB??????? WHY DID YOU HAVE ME? WHY AM I HERE? I DONT MATTER TO ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM HERE TO BE ABUSED

i’m gonna do it one of these days. i am not going to see next year. how many times can someone break and have nervous breakdowns until that threshold collapses. i thought the breakdowns were the lowest. like that was the worst one could feel. and they keep happening. its almost normal now. hyperventilating, sobbing on the floor, moaning, drool and snot running, fully shaking, vision blurred, all alone. she doesnt care. if she did i wouldnt have to live like this.

i just want my dog to have a good home. it breaks me more than anything. ive been trying to stay just for her. she loves me. shes the only one out there that cares about me. and i dont even get to live with her rn. i just want my dog, to hold her and have her lick my tears. she deserves so much better than ive ever been able to provide. i couldn’t be enough.

i hope before i lose it beyond losing it that maybe ill go out like debbie reynolds. dying from a broken heart. those in the media dont know its beyond the heart. (its a good thing they don’t know) every day theres incidents that bring me more and more to tears. 4x today at least. i lost count. one of these days it will end me. i have felt close to death before. hell, i have even cheated death multiple times somehow, not really with my doing but something beyond, the body taking over. but i know in my soul that this is it. this is the final year. and its so selfish but if theres an afterlife i just want my dog with me. thats all i ask.

to say i wouldn’t wish my life on someone else isn’t enough. each time i have a breakdown i dissociate again to when things were bad with both of them. not real/blacking out, and then the shock that this is real life, then that this is my reality and it has never and will never change. and i know so many people have it worse. i’m not chained up in a basement. (i have gratitude. i know there still are things i have that are not guaranteed. i was born with talents, intelligence, sense, all my limbs, the fact that i haven’t gotten sick [besides with covid]since fall 2023 after being chronically ill for years, and many more.)but i fear and have had this fear for a while that i will develop DID from my lifelong dpdr and lifelong circumstances that leave me retraumatized over and over and over again. and i hate how i sound saying all of that. its such overused language on the internet by people who wish they had such. to wish this? i cant even speak on that. (rereading this, imo it doesnt sound how i fear, thankfully)

i slammed my head into a wall. by choice. what a lump i have now. being told that my incorrect reaction doesn’t warrant any pathos during today’s nervous breakdown took me over the edge while i thought i already was. i just want to keep slamming my head until. i was thinking the other day that i hope this is just a simulation. idk how that would make anything better though. a lot of times i also think that anything good in the world is dependent on my pain, but thats narcissistic and there is so much terror out there. this is no world of even a middle ground between positive and negative. this is the universe where everything “went wrong”. i hope there’s parallel universes where this is not the case and we are just in one of the variations. i have 2 strange memories or something from since the time i was sentient that are ingrained in my brain like they came from when i was being born. 1. i vowed to take on immense suffering, 2. no one will ever love me and no one will ever know why; they all assumed someone else would. idk if that was a trauma response from the womb or if i sound out of my damn mind.

i’m scared im concussed but its hard to say bc im starving, still shaking, quite anxious, etc. i saw no stars but im nauseous and a bit dizzy but again there’s a lot going on here.

i feel like a fool in so many ways. to believe things could improve. to believe things would ever be different. to even write all this. i was going to say that i wished there was just 1 someone who cared about me. and i realize i do have that. my dog. if i only know one thing, i know she loves me. i’ve been told that she would love anyone who feeds her, maybe thats true but at least i do it. i would do it either way. and that’s more than i can say for the person who said that.

everytime i think i’ve had the worst day of my life, it soon gets topped by something even more atrocious.

i dont want to live. i dont want to go on. there is no future where i can just be. why did i mention the fact that i beat my mom in tennis? it just all snowballed into me being a whore because a family member molested me for years as a kid and getting my hair yanked out of my head. im sick to death of this being my reality. i dont have the words to say how i feel. im so fucking hurt. IM FUCKING HURT. WHY AM I IGNORED BY EVERYONE EXCEPT TO BE ABUSED. WHY. PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME AN ANSWER. im hated by every single person i meet. and i dont know what i’m doing wrong to make this happen. it feels so inevitable.

i debated stabbing myself with a knife the night it happened. i’m so pathetic. i cant do anything.

no one’s going to read this. why even bother.

i feel like i sound like an asshole. and shallow.

ive reread what ive posted so far and only my first post feels like anything worthy. i really was speaking then. maybe i wasn’t. i don’t even know what to think anymore. my own thoughts read on paper sound so shallow and stupid. what about the stuff that matters? where is that? i have to try harder and get to that space mentally i assume. could it be my charisma is all gone? do i really sound so annoying in real life? god, what now. even i dont want to hear me. and i feel so phony writing. i sound like a pick me bitch who has no thoughts. i dont even know what i care about anymore.

disgusting.

why am i anything? i want to choke on dirt and infect my lungs. even that sounds like a 5 year old. everything about me is so fucking stupid. any pain is well deserved. fucking useless scum. you offer nothing to this world. everything u dont want to be would be a step up from who you are. delusional and pathetic to think anything else. you will never be great bc you hold nothing inside of you. you are the poser you see in everyone else. you are a total fraud and a waste of life. you are a lie.