tonight was weird. ya know that feeling when you had something not so great to eat and your unsatisfied so ur kinda hungry still but not really? that happened but not in a food way (fully).
i went to this art show opening/reception. i almost didn’t make it there cuz i was berated with how awful i am and couldn’t stop crying and then my crying was used against me bc apparently that makes me “unfit” to go to an art show. the show was so bad lol. like unbelievably bad. like i got a glass of wine when we walked in and saw it all before i finished it, and it was a half pour.
lets see, there was a photography exhibit with some photos of a hand holding a mango. a hand holding a cut passionfruit. a tree branch. oh and of course the fat twink with a dusty chode. but they put a filter and devil horns on him, so art.
then there was these like pastel(?) images of like a worm snake thing wrapped around a fence and tree but the colorscheme was so dark and shadowy its like i needed the brightness turned up irl. then there was the last exhibit of these ginormous 3 canvas panels with like unfinished work lol. it seemed like the deadline came and the artist was like shit ok ill just send it how it is i guess. this made my decision on where to take art classes a lot easier ahahah! cuz if this is the best..i dont even wanna see what didn’t make the cut.
the crowd was very odd too. like i think they didn’t know they could sit on the viewing couch thing in the center of one of the rooms. also just a lot of performative energy. me no like. very anti authentic. i cant put my finger on it exactly but i’m extremely good at reading people/situations/energy/etc.
then, since that ended rather quickly, we decided to go out for food. but we went to like 5 places tn, the last 2 not for food. at least we know where not to go now lol. its v odd. this part of the country cant seem to get smores right, and i find it a bit peculiar cuz its just 3 ingredients and an open flame. very simple. there was a place a lot of us would go to after school, like a cafe type of place, that would literally sell tableside smores bc its so easy! i miss that place. they closed down long ago. (rip cosi). we’re now friends with one of the guys who was a partner. small world.
i guess my mom is catching on, after years of me crying saying she only tells me what i do wrong, that i need to hear some good things about myself. cuz like my self esteem????? whats that! she told me one thing tn while drunk. it didn’t seem like much at all though. almost made me feel worse.
i hate being told i need to do more when im literally trying my hardest. i’m always so close to breaking that one bad thing just sends me to tears. i cannot take anymore. so if my day starts with not even a hello, just being rained down on with insults, its really hard for me to bounce back.
the other (catastrophic) night, i made my mom google what it means when someone says “i’m sorry you feel that way.” i hate that i have to teach her how to treat me like a human. she claims she didn’t know the real meaning behind that. since then i’ve been able to ask and actually recieve an apology. but i hate that i have to even ask for one. but its better than asking for one and it being “sorry your upset” though. also during this night i told my mom (during a high stakes fight, not fist fight) ive been suicidal since i was 12 years old. that’s more than half my life now. she gave me no response. then after begging for one she said you’ve told me that before. she stopped herself from saying more but i got it out of her eventually. she said, “that’s awful, no parent wants to hear that. i’m sorry youre so hurt.” this was probably the first time ever my mom acknowledged this defining fact about me. but today it was used against me, so was it really a win? idk. i don’t use that as a threat. i take the topic very seriously bc i fully understand wholeheartedly the ramifications of the act. but what does reality even matter when everything i say is wrong.
i ate so much pasta and then drank bad wine and ate smores and i feel so full and pudge rn. but its quarter to 3 so i think it might be too late to do a workout.
i really get scared that by the time i make it out to california, it’ll be too late for me. i fear nothing will ever work out bc at this point i cant tell you one thing that has.
ugh i feel like i’ll probably be so embarassed and vomity rereading this tomorrow. naturally my fears come swarming in that i sound like an airhead bimbo with nothing to offer the world, no witty or original thoughts, just a lot of words saying nothing at all. (this would explain why nobody wants me around). i really hope i dont. i know there’s potential for some good in me. and maybe all these fears stem from never being understood. a dream i stopped wishing for. and also i really hope i dont sound like a complainer debby downer loser. i’m just voicing my perspective. this isn’t coming from a woe is me place. this is just what’s happening in my life rn. but i think the only people who know about this site are people who probably understand me more so than not.
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something that’s really been haunting me is the guilt i feel knowing that there’s people out there locked in a basement somewhere being held captive and tortured. meanwhile i’m out here, free. theres so much awful in this world. so much pain. i really dont know how to live with it all. how am i supposed to ignore that? how have i been ignoring that? i mean i’ve been vegan for over 2 months now bc i dont want my pleasure to come from another’s suffering but there’s so much out of one’s control. i havent been in that circumstance, but i’ve felt like it could be near that. i cant even imagine how these people are managing. and like. no one cares. and i get that on one hand we can’t just demand to search everyone’s houses all the time cuz privacy and its not the majority of people by any means who are doing this. but there has to be some way. why doesn’t anyone care enough to figure it out? i learned in my law class last sem. that police do not need a search warrant if there is probable cause and the granting of a warrant would take too long. but i guess also the main point is that nobody knows its happening. maybe something would be done if people knew. but that’s hard to say bc people have known about things in my life but have turned a blind eye, and i was never held captive in a basement.
it just literally kills me learning about/opening my eyes to so much of the suffering in this world. we talked about so many specific details about this in my philosophy class last sem. when i was already spiraling and it would literally make me cry in class and have to leave to go to the bathroom. or id just not show up. my suffering has broken me so many times/altered my life/debilitated me so much. i would absolutely never ever wish any of it on another soul. how do some people live in such a bubble that none of these things affect them? and like i know the media has multiple agendas, one being keeping people too informed of atrocities and paralyzed in fear. but there are some who do not care about how something so little as the can they throw out on the street, and how that affects something/someone else.
idk. i just wish we could treat others with more kindness. but even that doesn’t do it justice. i can’t put it into words. i dont want these awful things to merely be a way to keep me grateful for what i have. i dont want these things to be happening at all. it makes me so sick and sad. i hope even just one sentence of this monologue made sense.
[3:33 again.]
well, thats enough from me tn. i wish peace to all. sorry if this was nuts or manic.
a space for me 