i think ive finally beat my period psychosis. i think its really tough, for anyone really, bc we’re constantly fed so much negativity. and never easily shown inspiration. i started on youtube tonight watching mindless bs, felt worse, then someone popped into my head.
i took a trip down memory lane. i checked in on this girl who i didn’t know irl, but she went to my sleep away camp the session prior to mine, and was 1-2 yrs older. she was like one of the first, at least imo, one of the first internet famous girls from tumblr. she abruptly left and came back but never gained the support/admiration she once had. i went to her her youtube channel and it had no recent videos, but i scrolled down pretending to not know what i would find at the very bottom. avoiding this video bc i didn’t want to be sad, i came across her insta. then out of curiosity i scrolled (on desktop) all the way to the bottom of her posts, just to see if there was anything from back then. there wasn’t.
i went back, hesitating clicking on the video. but after watching 2 other ones for a few seconds, i knew i had to do it. the video was about of her last year of sleepaway camp, the session prior to my 2nd year there. it was a montage video set to a song special to the place, and i was astounded. how long has it been since ive seen this video? how much have i forgotten about my own time there? there were so many people i had forgotten about, who were older than me and seemed so cool (and hot at the time lol). all the places i forgot about: the store, the gaga pit, the boys field, the girl’s bathroom, the teatherball, cho beach. wow. surprisingly, i didn’t get sad. if anything it made me so grateful. i complain about my life alot, but if i had to miss my 4 years of sleepaway camp for a perfect life, i dont think i could do it.
i used to watch this video multiple times a week a decade ago. now 14 years later, everyone in the video looks so young. but also so free and fearless. so wild and alive knowing this is the place they can roam free and be nuts bc they’re on their own. take risks, be dangerous, try new things without consequence or commitment. this essence missing from our lives now. this essence isn’t something we can ever get back. it’s not something we can buy, its not relivable. but i think knowing could be the secret. remembering. never ever forgetting. and looking to the past to these videos of maybe not us, but people in the same place living the same experience to feel like alive again. everything was so simple then, and insecurity was so tiny: are my legs too hairy? is my bathing suit too blue? somehow we had our priorities right then. free from inhibition, focused on how to have the most entertaining time, doing our camp cheers and dance routines, doing anything without fear of judgement. where did that all go? when did we all change?
this made me ravish through the internet to find anything i could from my years there. i remet so many famous faces i had forgotten, all of their nicknames. and then people conjured up out of the back of my head due to their absence online. granted, i’m not surprised there weren’t so many photos to dig through like there are now. posting children on social media back in the early 2010s was a bit of a no no. we had a password protected site to see the photos after we came home. (crazy that that’s even necessary but thats a whole other topic). id do anything to see them all again. but this lacking just makes the memories not captured even more valuable. no one will remember for me, so if it’s actually important to me, i must treat it as such.
i used to get so upset thinking about how i could never go back to sleepaway camp. it would bring me to tears. but i guess growing up really changes the perspective: never be sad over not going back, be happy you were fortunate enough to have these experiences of a lifetime. the amount of stories i have, i pray to god i never forget them. i know other people who never went, and honestly i feel genuinely sorry for them. i wish every kid got to go. it’s the first time living on your own with your friends and fending for yourself, making your own choices. encouraged to be wild, and silly, and happy. once you age out, you realize you took it for granted, cuz you’ll never find that place again in the adult world. at least not stemming from innocence.
i took to all forms of social media. i scrolled to the bottom of my insta to see the 2 posts i have from back then. most of my camp friends don’t follow each other anymore. which is fine. (i wont lie though, that hurt at first.) seeing how grown up everyone is was beyond. one girl got married, another has 2 kids, 2 guys are ripped and full grown men (last time i saw them they were 13 lol), some i fully forgot about, others gone without a trace. some of us have the most insanely random mutuals. i guess that makes us still connected irl in a way. we all grew to be such separate individuals and theres a beauty in that. we knew we didn’t have to be the same people, that wasn’t even a thought back then. we never forced the friendships to continue or drag. if anything we didn’t talk much outside of camp since we were too young for social media or even phones at the time. yet, we always picked right back up the following summer. my last year there, a few people still had one more to go. we also all had instagrams that year so there was finally a way to keep in touch for the first time. no more misspelled emails or house phone numbers, or ichat usernames all on a sheet of paper destined to be lost the second we drive off the lot. but i’m glad we didn’t have whats out there now. there were always 3-4 kids who snuck in a phone and would complain when it got confiscated. but we always felt they weren’t here for the right reasons. why go to camp if your just gonna be on your phone the whole time?? but this was back when the majority of life was offline.
i’ve always felt there’s still a kid inside of me. but that has disappeared. quite recently, though, due to extenuating circumstances at school, etc. my “friends” got annoyed when i would tell a story about camp that was brought to mind over some detail mentioned in current conversing. they eventually didn’t care about anything i had to contribute and would get annoyed by my sheer presence. my roommates made me a target and everything i did was put under a microscope. i could feel myself, my personality, becoming completely diminished. and i guess i changed. i adapted to being the leper and my mind became a void. i was intentionally muting myself. this tonight gave me what i need. this has shown me what’s missing: being myself again. i had been doing it right all along. and this 1.5 yr blip in time at this school cannot alter my deepest being*. i’m so unhappy and its because of my doing. i have to honor her, the girl who was 12 years old and learned how to sail in 2010. the girl i’ve been neglecting to stay alive, but if i kill her, i die either way.
i’m out of that house now. i still have to go back for my stuff, but maybe this is a turning point in my recovery. now is the time to feed me. form opinions. find what i like again. SPEAK. i was never shy. i never feared ridicule or judgement. i need my curiosity back. i need to mend my jaded eyes. i need to ask myself “why not?”. this night proves boredom can lead to great things.
i hope more people look to the past when questioning themself/their life. remember who you were as a kid. they’re still within you. give into the essense exuded upon discovery. i really think a video is the way to start. in this medium it can all be felt and reach so far inside you. the world wants you to forget this feeling. they don’t want you to know that what you’re looking for is you. whether they know this or not, it cannot be monetized. (but again, that can be a whole other topic.)
and my last point, a final thought about all this, is the lack of consumption. this all comes from experience, and life, and human to human connection, what we’re made for! at sleepaway camp i met with strangers, in a weird new place in nature, with nothing to rely on but myself. you can’t buy that. (ok yes u can buy it, like my mom bought my spot in the session, but u catch my drift). i’m getting delirious at this point and need to sleep but my point is that the most fulfillment i had came from a lack of all that’s pushed on us right now, making all of us so miserable.
i hope to continue this another night, but for now goodnight 😴
*it’s not just this obviously. this one part of my life rn isn’t the reason for everything but it’s been my breaking point after a long long time of persevering.
a space for me 