1/17/25 2:03 AM – the intro

this is my first post on here.
i didn’t want tiktoks undecided fate to be a factor in my life, like whether or not i do something instead of scrolling depressed at 3 am.

I made this site as a space for me, (like no duh). but more so bc i dont have anyone in my life who wants to hear what i have to say. so to cope with that i now have a place to do that. I’m hoping this will also motivate me to do the things i actually want to do with my life.

i feel there is so much i could do, but haven’t been able to due to a numerous amount of circumstances, reasons, (a lot our of my control), and their effects on just my general wellbeing. if i cant function on a daily basis how can i do more? it all kills me honestly. for a very long time i mourned all the experiences, events, etc i was missing out on. i guess i’ve become so jaded now that i have no expectations of any of that anymore.

but the expectations i have of myself somehow havent died. its probably the only thing that keeps my heart beating.

i could have just started a journal but i’ve done that so many times. and never ever continued. ironically, one of the main things i want to do is to focus on my writing: stories, personal or any. at least now there will be some record of me. and i could look back on it in the future. but this is the space where i will pursue these “things” that keep me going.

a lot of things have built up to this moment. and i guess the reoccurring theme in my life is that no one cares. this sentiment is practically etched into my skull, burned into my eyelids, and is frankly a reality. last night i had a dream that there was someone who wanted to hear what i had to say, and actually cared about me. a dream. i dont know if it sounds more pathetic or sad. and i guess i shouldnt worry too much about how i come across since this is literally for me. (but a little part of me hopes someone reads this. any of this.) ive noticed i dream about the things i am repressed from, or have horrible nightmares, or a combo of both. but that dream last night really spoke to me and how i’m truly feeling. and wont let me ignore it: there is not anyone in my life who cares.
whats that saying about if you want something too much youll never get it? i worry this is the case. but i don’t like live out here all desperate and gross like PLEASE LOVE ME. im speaking from a place of genuity.

genuity matters a lot to me. id rather be friendless than have people in my life just so im not alone. i chose to end my 2 friendships at the beginning of last semester. (a long time coming, ill tell ya that). now i have just one friend whos more of an acquaintance and we don’t speak much, especially since i haven’t come back from christmas break. i dont plan on it. i’m taking off from school until the thought of going back doesn’t send me into full psychosis. last semester was horrendous. i cant even talk about it still. with each semester things got worse, and then fall 2024 i broke. multiple times. and i warned so many people but it didn’t matter, they all turned a blind eye and were “shocked” and suddenly 2% worried. i still got good grades though, but my marketing professor failed everyone for the final project. i need to appeal it but i can’t even think about it without sobbing bc of how hard i worked for everything just for me to fall to pieces.

i dont think i’m the same now. i dont know if ill ever go back to me from august. but even she was worried she would never be the same as me from 2023. and so on. but its really different now. the thought of a friend feels like a foreign concept. i battled daily abuse from my roomates. all their hatred for me coming to a head. what a joke it was for me to think we don’t have to be friends, just cordial roomates. but i’m not someone who would make fun of classmates for beating cancer or recovering from suicide. hindsight.

maybe the only good thing that has come from this is my skilled ability to retreat inside myself. (i have been able to do that for a while, but it wavered. otherwise i would have done more long ago.) but all i can do is deal with now. and i am. i dont have to be likeable. (i never feared what others thought of me to begin with.) but now i have a new outlook. i’m just gonna try to do my thing, on my own.